Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father