I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
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if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]