My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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The Others (2001)
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.