Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
at ease…shoulder.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet