Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
それは草
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids