Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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I’m having an out of money experience.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
doing your own taxes
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.