Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.