This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
it was a valiant fight
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill