People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*