[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
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i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
wtf is a larm clock?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Chicken bread
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.