My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication