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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I like crazy people until they notice me
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.