The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
WHO DID THIS?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?