If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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SF is the wild wild west man
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Proctology is located in A55
I’m not stressed
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out