At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
this is me