just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now