Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
What my back needs
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.