[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Netflix and you sit over there.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.