I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.