If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”