Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone