For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”