sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]