[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
the best thing i’ve ever made
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.