If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
You Might Also Like
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
We avoided this particular disaster
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming