My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1