ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“I wouldn’t.”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”