i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.