Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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Why am I like this?
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.