5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Encore…
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
hmm conte-me mais
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.