“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.