Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.