[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
This was my dad’s browser history.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.