*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
That was easy.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
my mind
You just read my mind
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.