Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.