I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
You Might Also Like
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
i dont have time for this
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”