Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
absolute chaos
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*