i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR