God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
podcasts
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I put the hot in psychotic.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.