It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
He wanted to make sure😂
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color