I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse