This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
You Might Also Like
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
lost dog
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer