Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
You Might Also Like
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“i miss shittin on people”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Breaking news: