My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You Might Also Like
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.