Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Thinking about Jeff
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.