I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness