*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us