I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
2023 was just a warmup
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
What do you hear?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.