4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
<—- homeless romantic
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.