You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
How software testing works
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
oppen heimer style lol
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.